I heard we made out
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
