News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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