Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
