This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
