Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize