She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
