I wannas sexs uuuuu
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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