the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
