Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize