I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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