Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
