The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
