I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
