I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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