I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Life is so much better after having sex.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize