Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize