my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
