i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
