Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
