So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
