I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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