he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
