I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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