Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Boobs are out for the taking
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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