Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
