My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
