I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize