The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
