it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
