shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
