Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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