she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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