Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
