Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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