he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize