I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
