I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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