i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
