CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
