I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
