so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
