I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
