I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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