So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
