How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
