i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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