OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
