Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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