Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hippo gnu deer
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
