The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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