I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
