my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
