I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
