my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
