On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
