I need to stop coming to work sober
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
