what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
