Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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