i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
