Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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