my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
