woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
